Thought 12: Why am I a competitive person?

Looking back at my childhood and even many of my contemporary friendships a lot of them are and have been centered around competition.

I don't mean in an unhealthy way.  I don't mean that I'm always trying to dominate the people around me or make myself feel superior.  Most of the men I've grown up around have a strong sense of competition.  I played a lot of sports growing up and while having a good time wasn't looked down the main emphasis was on winning.

My parents had a very low level of pushing me to win.  My dad would often give me advice about how to improve in baseball and basketball, but not in a weird way.  He was always sure to give praise with advice.  It wasn't a "live through my son vicariously" thing for him.  He was just willing to share from his experiences things he thought would help.  They did encourage me to do my best, but they didn't put pressure on me to win.

My coaches on the other hand were a very different story.  A few seemed to remember this was a game played by pre-teens (and eventually teenagers) but most didn't.  I've been chewed out for not winning games by a large enough margin.  I've had coaches throw bats and scream at us for getting a drink of water during our multi-mile run during the blazing hot summer.  I saw coaches push their own children, scream at them, scream at refs, and generally act a fool in public over a game that no one would remember a week or two later.

I think some of that sticks with me.  Most of my male friends (other than the ones I've met in the last year or so) and I typically have some kind of competition as a strong part of our friendship.  Playing board games, card games, video games, sports, or whatever other method of competition comes to mind.

As a younger kid (with an older brother who was better than me at most things I enjoyed) I was always interested in cooperative games.  I didn't really like losing when I didn't feel like I had a chance to win.  I wanted to be on a team, preferably playing against some impersonal thing (like say a computer).  As I have aged and gained more confidence I became more and more interested in competition.  Once I was able to beat my brother at things I was even more interested in competing.  My dread at losing largely vanished.

Now I really enjoy playing directly competitive things.  I think that in general I have a pretty good shot at winning.  The biggest shift though has come in the last 5 years.  I don't care if I lose at things anymore.  Competition is a thing of pure joy.  It is only upside.  If I lose that is completely okay.

I understand people who like to compete in a way I didn't as a kid.  To me as a kid competition was just another way for people to dominate or show they were better than me.  Now I understand the drive to compete.

I guess I am a competitive person.  Hopefully my experience as a kid will help temper my competitive spirit and keep it from making me abrasive.

For those of you who don't get it, I doubt I can explain the thrill.  Exhulting in pitting your strength against a worthy opponent who will push you to improve and be the best version of yourself possible is amazing.  Knowing that you've done your best and watching yourself making good plays is satisfying.  Knowing that you've lost in the past, you might lose tomorrow, but today you have conquered is an addiction I can understand.