This is post 11 for the year. Unfortunately this is week 16 so I'm behind a bit. I'll see what kind of plan is the best for catching up, I imagine doubling up every other week is the best plan.
Visual progress is important. It inspires me. Carving my first carving (a rabbit made from a carrot) was quick and easy. The whole thing probably took an hour at most. As I made each cut large features of the rabbit quickly came into focus. This was his head. These were his forepaws and his haunches. The rough outline took very little time and a lot fewer cuts than I would have thought.
Then I decided to work on a bird. My first attempt was going to be from a block of basswood. The block was way too big. So I took a branch pruning saw and cut a small subsection off. It was still way too big. I started working on the project but after an hour of work I had barely rounded off the edges of the block. I hadn't made any appreciable progress towards the shape of the bird in my head.
Luckily I went to hang out with some friends of mine. One of them has a very nice woodworking shop and he cut some small blocks out of a piece of scrap wood for me. I remember distinctly he kept asking me if the pieces were small enough. He really pressed me and I'm glad he did because I wanted much smaller blocks than what he had originally cut.
But I felt like I was cheating. The progress was huge and it was taking a matter of a minute rather than the painstaking hours I thought it would take. I felt like the carving wouldn't count. It wouldn't be the product of hours of work (it ended up taking quite a few don't worry) and so I felt like I wasn't really 'learning to carve'. Throw in the use of power tools and I start to feel like this bird was going to be cheap and tawdry.
When I went back to work on my new smaller pieces it was still rough going. It took me probably around four to five hours to carve the bird. I still need to sand and finish it and I estimate that will take another hour or so. This time though I could start to see the progress I was making. Even after an hour I could see the block starting to move vaguely toward the shape of the bird. The closer I got the more excited I became. I started wanting to spend more and more time on the carving.
After I 'finished' the bird I realized I wasn't happy with the shape. Staring at it I realized not only what I wanted to do but what kind of cut I needed to use to get it done. In the span of a few hours spent working I had started to learn how to look at the problems in carving. Seeing that progress in my ability to evaluate a particular piece was even more exciting than seeing the progress in the shape of the bird.
I ended up talking to my wife about the idea of hand made goods versus mass produced goods over our vacation and she pointed out that we as a society value time very highly. If someone puts a lot of their time into crafting something we value it more highly even if it is physically indistinguishable from a mass produced version.
But I don't want to make things needlessly difficult. I don't feel more productive or accomplished if I add busy work to a project to pad out the hours it takes to complete. So I think it's a finer distinction of time spent in careful crafting and consideration of the task at hand.
Ultimately visual progress in both forms (progressing projects and improving skill set) are important motivators for me. Both inspire me to put in more time and increase my enjoyment from the task at hand. People are intended to create. Each us, no matter how deeply buried, have an instinct to create. One of the most saddening things to me about living in a consumption based culture is that so many people don't take the time to cultivate our ability to create.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Year 2: Thought 10: What effect does brain pre-caching have?
How you approach someone in a conversation can drastically change the
way they respond. But can it also drastically change the way they
think?
I think it is common knowledge that the way you phrase a question in a survey or even on a voting ballot has a tremendous impact on the way people answer. I remember reading through the questions on the primary ballot I filled out last year. Some seemed reasonably neutral (which makes sense as the political party is trying to find out what its constituents think on certain issues) but others were obviously biased. "Should we vote to stop wasting money on X?" is clearly trying to get a specific response.
Why bother? If you're going to phrase your questions in such a way as to get the answer you want what is the point? I guess it's useful to try and convince people that your constituents are on your side, but that seems to defeat the point of what you're trying to do. You're eventually going to have to deal with your constituents complaining that you didn't really do what they wanted. Unless repeatedly asking the question in that form lets you control the narrative around the story. Then you can convince people that they want what you want even when presented the same argument in a different light they wouldn't want it.
This is one thing I really don't like about people. When I say people I include myself. It is too easy to use our brain's natural tendencies against us. If you prime people with certain words their brain kind of pre-caches related words and ideas. You have to lean heavily on the rational deliberate part of your brain to cut through the spin. The hard thing is letting the cruise-control part of your brain know to alert the rational deliberate part of your brain that now is the time to kick in. If you don't have a reflexive push-back against the idea being presented you aren't terribly likely to say "Let me make sure there is no trickery going on here".
One thing I have changed my mind (slightly) about is gun control. I'm not for mass gun restrictions but I am definitely in favor of ending the ability to buy a weapon with no waiting period from a gun show or on the internet. Having any kind of 'don't have to register it' loophole is also incredibly bad. I was reading an opinion piece today by a Senator who was against this happening. A few years ago I probably would've read his article (without really understanding the piece of legislation it was referring to) and agreed with what he said. We do need to defend the right of the populace to bear arms.
But when I knew what the piece of legislation was about it changed my reading of the entire article. I wasn't pre-disposed to agree with him. The "we need to make sure we keep the right to arm ourselves" argument had no relevance to the legislation. I do agree that people should be able to own weapons (even guns). I do agree that this legislation wouldn't have stopped a majority of the mass shootings (we in fact as a society really need to improve our views of and access to mental health care). But his entire premise that it's ok to have an unregistered gun I don't agree with. However if I hadn't already had some thoughts in my head about the gun legislation I could easily see myself reading that article and agreeing with everything he said, because my brain wouldn't have loaded all the necessary context in.
So it's important to watch this trait in myself. I'm very glad my brain tries to be efficient and pre-load information it thinks is relevant to the discussion at hand. But it doesn't always pick right and if those assumptions I'm running on aren't clearly stated I can waste a lot of time arguing with someone I don't necessarily disagree with.
I think it is common knowledge that the way you phrase a question in a survey or even on a voting ballot has a tremendous impact on the way people answer. I remember reading through the questions on the primary ballot I filled out last year. Some seemed reasonably neutral (which makes sense as the political party is trying to find out what its constituents think on certain issues) but others were obviously biased. "Should we vote to stop wasting money on X?" is clearly trying to get a specific response.
Why bother? If you're going to phrase your questions in such a way as to get the answer you want what is the point? I guess it's useful to try and convince people that your constituents are on your side, but that seems to defeat the point of what you're trying to do. You're eventually going to have to deal with your constituents complaining that you didn't really do what they wanted. Unless repeatedly asking the question in that form lets you control the narrative around the story. Then you can convince people that they want what you want even when presented the same argument in a different light they wouldn't want it.
This is one thing I really don't like about people. When I say people I include myself. It is too easy to use our brain's natural tendencies against us. If you prime people with certain words their brain kind of pre-caches related words and ideas. You have to lean heavily on the rational deliberate part of your brain to cut through the spin. The hard thing is letting the cruise-control part of your brain know to alert the rational deliberate part of your brain that now is the time to kick in. If you don't have a reflexive push-back against the idea being presented you aren't terribly likely to say "Let me make sure there is no trickery going on here".
One thing I have changed my mind (slightly) about is gun control. I'm not for mass gun restrictions but I am definitely in favor of ending the ability to buy a weapon with no waiting period from a gun show or on the internet. Having any kind of 'don't have to register it' loophole is also incredibly bad. I was reading an opinion piece today by a Senator who was against this happening. A few years ago I probably would've read his article (without really understanding the piece of legislation it was referring to) and agreed with what he said. We do need to defend the right of the populace to bear arms.
But when I knew what the piece of legislation was about it changed my reading of the entire article. I wasn't pre-disposed to agree with him. The "we need to make sure we keep the right to arm ourselves" argument had no relevance to the legislation. I do agree that people should be able to own weapons (even guns). I do agree that this legislation wouldn't have stopped a majority of the mass shootings (we in fact as a society really need to improve our views of and access to mental health care). But his entire premise that it's ok to have an unregistered gun I don't agree with. However if I hadn't already had some thoughts in my head about the gun legislation I could easily see myself reading that article and agreeing with everything he said, because my brain wouldn't have loaded all the necessary context in.
So it's important to watch this trait in myself. I'm very glad my brain tries to be efficient and pre-load information it thinks is relevant to the discussion at hand. But it doesn't always pick right and if those assumptions I'm running on aren't clearly stated I can waste a lot of time arguing with someone I don't necessarily disagree with.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Year 2: Thought 9: Intentional Eating
I have never really paid attention to what I eat. I've started tracking calories of everything I eat lately. It's been an interesting experience. I'm not particularly concerned with being overweight, but I am interested in losing some weight to try and take pressure off of my knee. I had my ACL replaced about 6 months ago and have been paying more attention to what impacts my knee since then.
My brother got a weighted vest for Christmas. He runs a lot and being able to add 18 pounds (the max weight for the vest) will help him train in a different way than just running for a longer time. I tried it on around Christmas and realized how much of a difference such a relatively small change in weight makes to your knees and legs.
My right leg is a lot weaker than it was before my ACL tore. It is drastically weaker. I've been talking to a guy about working on some exercises to strengthen it, but trying on that vest made me realize that one of the best things I could do would be to drop any excess weight I have. Now, I use the word excess very carefully. I'm not obese. I'm not really overweight. However I am above my body's expected weight (by about 15 pounds).
One interesting thing I've learned from my knee experience is how much I'm willing to do to keep the ability to run. It is something I've taken for granted for 30+ years, but it is something I'm willing to go to great lengths to preserve. So, I'm counting my calories now.
When I got married the first large scale dietary shift in my life happened. I started eating a lot more healthily, largely because my wife cooked the meals and she was used to (and liked having) a healthier diet than I was used to. I ended up losing about 15 pounds (most of it was probably fast food). However I hadn't at the time taken any kind of intentional steps about what I was eating. It just so happens that my wife started feeding me healthier food for dinner every day of the week and as a natural result I lost weight.
Last year the only resolution I kept was my resolution to not eat french fries. I did it for a specific reason and I enjoyed the results of my year long fry fast. This year I binged pretty hard (much harder than I had planned) on fries. I probably ate fries two or three times a week for the first two months of the year. Once I started tracking my calories I eventually ended up eating a medium sized order of fries when grabbing fast food on my way home one Friday night. I guesstimated they were 200-300 calories. They were in fact 500. That's as much as the sandwich I ate.
I think seeing the cold hard numbers of what I eat has been pretty enlightening. The first thing I ended up stopping was eating candy at work. Well I didn't completely stop, but I went from 3-5 pieces a day to 1. Those Reese's end up adding some calories to your diet if you eat 3-4 a day. I also cut down to 1 calorie drink a day. The rest of time it is 0 calorie hot tea or water. Those two things cut a surprising chunk of calories out of my day. Next was potato chips (replaced with pretzels).
So I haven't really given up any meal or the number of snacks I eat a day. But I've been working on substituting my high calorie items with slightly lower calorie items. It's been interesting to do the math every day and see where my largest sources of calories come from. I'm very blessed that my parents convinced me to love fruit as a kid because they provide a great lower calorie snack.
I still laugh a little in my head. I'm not a diet person. I'm not a calorie counter. I've always been a little confused by (and derisive of, if I'm being honest) people who were. But taking the time to really analyze what I'm eating and where my calories come from has made me more sympathetic to them. It's also showed me that I spent my entire life eating without thought. If it tasted good and I was hungry I ate it, with no thought to whether or not it was good for me or necessary.
I like seeing another part of my life fall under the sway of intentionality. After I drop the weight I want to drop I don't see myself continuing to track every calorie, but I do think I'll be more intentional with weighing what I'm eating with what I'm doing. It's easy to slowly gain weight over the course of years and then feel helpless to get rid of it.
And hey, if I ever run into a pub trivia where they want to know how many calories are in a peppermint I'll know. It's 20 calories.
My brother got a weighted vest for Christmas. He runs a lot and being able to add 18 pounds (the max weight for the vest) will help him train in a different way than just running for a longer time. I tried it on around Christmas and realized how much of a difference such a relatively small change in weight makes to your knees and legs.
My right leg is a lot weaker than it was before my ACL tore. It is drastically weaker. I've been talking to a guy about working on some exercises to strengthen it, but trying on that vest made me realize that one of the best things I could do would be to drop any excess weight I have. Now, I use the word excess very carefully. I'm not obese. I'm not really overweight. However I am above my body's expected weight (by about 15 pounds).
One interesting thing I've learned from my knee experience is how much I'm willing to do to keep the ability to run. It is something I've taken for granted for 30+ years, but it is something I'm willing to go to great lengths to preserve. So, I'm counting my calories now.
When I got married the first large scale dietary shift in my life happened. I started eating a lot more healthily, largely because my wife cooked the meals and she was used to (and liked having) a healthier diet than I was used to. I ended up losing about 15 pounds (most of it was probably fast food). However I hadn't at the time taken any kind of intentional steps about what I was eating. It just so happens that my wife started feeding me healthier food for dinner every day of the week and as a natural result I lost weight.
Last year the only resolution I kept was my resolution to not eat french fries. I did it for a specific reason and I enjoyed the results of my year long fry fast. This year I binged pretty hard (much harder than I had planned) on fries. I probably ate fries two or three times a week for the first two months of the year. Once I started tracking my calories I eventually ended up eating a medium sized order of fries when grabbing fast food on my way home one Friday night. I guesstimated they were 200-300 calories. They were in fact 500. That's as much as the sandwich I ate.
I think seeing the cold hard numbers of what I eat has been pretty enlightening. The first thing I ended up stopping was eating candy at work. Well I didn't completely stop, but I went from 3-5 pieces a day to 1. Those Reese's end up adding some calories to your diet if you eat 3-4 a day. I also cut down to 1 calorie drink a day. The rest of time it is 0 calorie hot tea or water. Those two things cut a surprising chunk of calories out of my day. Next was potato chips (replaced with pretzels).
So I haven't really given up any meal or the number of snacks I eat a day. But I've been working on substituting my high calorie items with slightly lower calorie items. It's been interesting to do the math every day and see where my largest sources of calories come from. I'm very blessed that my parents convinced me to love fruit as a kid because they provide a great lower calorie snack.
I still laugh a little in my head. I'm not a diet person. I'm not a calorie counter. I've always been a little confused by (and derisive of, if I'm being honest) people who were. But taking the time to really analyze what I'm eating and where my calories come from has made me more sympathetic to them. It's also showed me that I spent my entire life eating without thought. If it tasted good and I was hungry I ate it, with no thought to whether or not it was good for me or necessary.
I like seeing another part of my life fall under the sway of intentionality. After I drop the weight I want to drop I don't see myself continuing to track every calorie, but I do think I'll be more intentional with weighing what I'm eating with what I'm doing. It's easy to slowly gain weight over the course of years and then feel helpless to get rid of it.
And hey, if I ever run into a pub trivia where they want to know how many calories are in a peppermint I'll know. It's 20 calories.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Year 2: Thought 8: Anger
Vengeance is mine says the Lord.
What a mouthful. There is a lot packed in there. One of the more enthralling passages of the Bible for me has always been Jesus cleansing the temple of thieves. He very carefully and purposefully builds a whip. He goes in an cleans house. Along with whippings he delivers a scathing accusation that they had turned the house of God into a house of thieves.
I hate to see the bad guys win and I love to see justice done. A part of me wonders if this is part of being made in the image of God. Another part of me remembers the story of the forgiven debtor who goes out and strangles a guy over a little bit of money.
So if we're supposed to love the things God loves and hate the things God hates (check out Revelation 2:6) where does this leave us. We see Jesus coming back to tread out the winepress of his wrath. We see judging of the goats and the sheep. We see quite a few instances where justice is done. We can read Psalm 73 and see the struggle the Psalmist has with seeing the reality of evil people going unpunished.
It is very hard to not get angry. It is hard to see people destroying innocents or hurting people in the name of my God and not want them to feel pain. This is what makes me think this anger isn't a good thing. Being angry at injustice is ok, but wanting people to feel pain because they have hurt others isn't the end. Wanting people to feel pain because it will bring them to the right path leads to a different place. We should want the pain to be the pain of empathy not the pain of the lash. We should want people to see how their actions have caused destruction for others and themselves.
So how do we get to this place? How can we put aside the desire to see the proud humbled so they'll know they aren't as special as they think? How can we put aside the desire to see brutes hurt so they'll how much we hurt? Well I think the first step is that moment of introspection. Why do I want them to hurt?
If I want people to hurt so then they'll know how they hurt me then I'm being selfish. I just want people to think I'm awesome because of what I endured or to feel pity for my pain.
If I want people to hurt so they'll stop doing bad things, then I'm ignoring the redemption God offers. I just want to control people so they'll do what I want, instead of wanting them to experience change in their lives.
If I want people to hurt so they'll grow and understand and change then we're making progress. Luckily in that case I don't have to do anything. God has already set the world up to have natural consequences for bad actions. I can rest contently knowing that God will deliver whatever pain is necessary when it will do good.
Scratch that. I can go out and do my part which is helping the people who have been hurt. I can bandage wounds. I can tell truth where lies have come in. I can comfort those who are in pain. I can remind those who think no one loves them that there are many people who love them.
Pain is an unfortunate part of life but for most of us a necessary one. We need the incentive to change. We blind ourselves to the pain we cause others so we need to experience it to open our eyes to what we're really doing. But rather than trying to hurry someone else's 'enlightenment' along we need to leave that in the hands of God.
Let's try and channel that anger and passion into helping the victims rather than beating the brutes. I still really hate to see the bad guys win. But I need to be patient and let God turn the bad guys into good guys.
What a mouthful. There is a lot packed in there. One of the more enthralling passages of the Bible for me has always been Jesus cleansing the temple of thieves. He very carefully and purposefully builds a whip. He goes in an cleans house. Along with whippings he delivers a scathing accusation that they had turned the house of God into a house of thieves.
I hate to see the bad guys win and I love to see justice done. A part of me wonders if this is part of being made in the image of God. Another part of me remembers the story of the forgiven debtor who goes out and strangles a guy over a little bit of money.
So if we're supposed to love the things God loves and hate the things God hates (check out Revelation 2:6) where does this leave us. We see Jesus coming back to tread out the winepress of his wrath. We see judging of the goats and the sheep. We see quite a few instances where justice is done. We can read Psalm 73 and see the struggle the Psalmist has with seeing the reality of evil people going unpunished.
It is very hard to not get angry. It is hard to see people destroying innocents or hurting people in the name of my God and not want them to feel pain. This is what makes me think this anger isn't a good thing. Being angry at injustice is ok, but wanting people to feel pain because they have hurt others isn't the end. Wanting people to feel pain because it will bring them to the right path leads to a different place. We should want the pain to be the pain of empathy not the pain of the lash. We should want people to see how their actions have caused destruction for others and themselves.
So how do we get to this place? How can we put aside the desire to see the proud humbled so they'll know they aren't as special as they think? How can we put aside the desire to see brutes hurt so they'll how much we hurt? Well I think the first step is that moment of introspection. Why do I want them to hurt?
If I want people to hurt so then they'll know how they hurt me then I'm being selfish. I just want people to think I'm awesome because of what I endured or to feel pity for my pain.
If I want people to hurt so they'll stop doing bad things, then I'm ignoring the redemption God offers. I just want to control people so they'll do what I want, instead of wanting them to experience change in their lives.
If I want people to hurt so they'll grow and understand and change then we're making progress. Luckily in that case I don't have to do anything. God has already set the world up to have natural consequences for bad actions. I can rest contently knowing that God will deliver whatever pain is necessary when it will do good.
Scratch that. I can go out and do my part which is helping the people who have been hurt. I can bandage wounds. I can tell truth where lies have come in. I can comfort those who are in pain. I can remind those who think no one loves them that there are many people who love them.
Pain is an unfortunate part of life but for most of us a necessary one. We need the incentive to change. We blind ourselves to the pain we cause others so we need to experience it to open our eyes to what we're really doing. But rather than trying to hurry someone else's 'enlightenment' along we need to leave that in the hands of God.
Let's try and channel that anger and passion into helping the victims rather than beating the brutes. I still really hate to see the bad guys win. But I need to be patient and let God turn the bad guys into good guys.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Year 2: Thought 7: Self Reward
Elephant in the room: Yes even in year 2 I have once again fallen off
the wagon after 6 weeks. Oh well. Back on the horse (to change
metaphors mid-stream).
So, sometimes I do things I don't want to do. Then afterwards I feel a strong desire to give myself a treat. Whether it is doing something I wouldn't normally do or buying myself something with money that isn't in the budget for that thing these treats are generally not trivial things.
For instance tonight I had to go back out to the store to get something that I forgot to get the first time. It was irritating and not something I wanted to do but it was necessary due to a commitment for the next day. I was at the store getting said thing when I thought "I should get a treat for going back out"! Now I was thinking of getting a Pepsi. I rarely buy soft drinks and most often I have to settle for Coke products even though I prefer Pepsi products. My office has free Coke drinks so it feels like a waste to spend money getting soft drinks when I can get them for free. (As an aside I'm drinking fewer soft drinks now because it turns out drinking lots of them is bad for you.) Back to my narrative my rational brain kicked in and said that drinking a 20 oz caffeinated beverage at 10 pm was perhaps not a smart thing to do. I decided to not get the Pepsi.
Then a few seconds later my brain produced another thought. Why in the world did I think of rewarding myself? Does driving out in the rain (which I admit I do hate) to get garbage bags really warrant a reward? If I had a child who did that would I reward them? Now again in the large scheme of things a Pepsi is not a large reward. They are $1.69 for a 20 oz drink. But if I give myself that kind of reward often enough it would start to add up. Cost isn't even really the point. I think that constantly rewarding myself for doing menial tasks that meet the bottom level of responsibility is a bad idea. It puts me in a mindset where doing what I am supposed to do is "being good".
That isn't a mindset that I want my children to have and it isn't a mindset I want myself to have. Don't get me wrong, rewarding good behavior is important. I just think that the bar needs to be set higher for the definition of good behavior. It is too easy to look for any excuse to treat myself. I am currently reading a book that talks a lot of incentives and behavior (Nurture Shock). Looking at it from an objective point of view it is hard to not think of myself as soft. I need a lot of positive reinforcement. While I can persevere I will probably complain quite a bit.
I find the more I over reward myself in certain areas of life the less resolve I tend to have to continue on in other. Of course sometimes getting burned out in one area (specifically work lately) of life leads to other parts having less resolve too. That doesn't feel entirely fair as it seems like one of those two things shouldn't be true. I think that what I'm working on now (a schedule of two 'burdensome' tasks that require perseverance a day) is ideal. It seems to have worked for me in the past, but once I start to slide it tends to tumble down quickly. The key is having at least one time per day where I take stock of what 'productive' things I have done that day and making sure that I apply my force of will to accomplishing something.
We'll see if that translates to more frequent blog postings. One of the nice things about this blog is that it does serve as an excellent barometer of my force of will. Once it starts slipping I rarely post to the blog anymore.
So, sometimes I do things I don't want to do. Then afterwards I feel a strong desire to give myself a treat. Whether it is doing something I wouldn't normally do or buying myself something with money that isn't in the budget for that thing these treats are generally not trivial things.
For instance tonight I had to go back out to the store to get something that I forgot to get the first time. It was irritating and not something I wanted to do but it was necessary due to a commitment for the next day. I was at the store getting said thing when I thought "I should get a treat for going back out"! Now I was thinking of getting a Pepsi. I rarely buy soft drinks and most often I have to settle for Coke products even though I prefer Pepsi products. My office has free Coke drinks so it feels like a waste to spend money getting soft drinks when I can get them for free. (As an aside I'm drinking fewer soft drinks now because it turns out drinking lots of them is bad for you.) Back to my narrative my rational brain kicked in and said that drinking a 20 oz caffeinated beverage at 10 pm was perhaps not a smart thing to do. I decided to not get the Pepsi.
Then a few seconds later my brain produced another thought. Why in the world did I think of rewarding myself? Does driving out in the rain (which I admit I do hate) to get garbage bags really warrant a reward? If I had a child who did that would I reward them? Now again in the large scheme of things a Pepsi is not a large reward. They are $1.69 for a 20 oz drink. But if I give myself that kind of reward often enough it would start to add up. Cost isn't even really the point. I think that constantly rewarding myself for doing menial tasks that meet the bottom level of responsibility is a bad idea. It puts me in a mindset where doing what I am supposed to do is "being good".
That isn't a mindset that I want my children to have and it isn't a mindset I want myself to have. Don't get me wrong, rewarding good behavior is important. I just think that the bar needs to be set higher for the definition of good behavior. It is too easy to look for any excuse to treat myself. I am currently reading a book that talks a lot of incentives and behavior (Nurture Shock). Looking at it from an objective point of view it is hard to not think of myself as soft. I need a lot of positive reinforcement. While I can persevere I will probably complain quite a bit.
I find the more I over reward myself in certain areas of life the less resolve I tend to have to continue on in other. Of course sometimes getting burned out in one area (specifically work lately) of life leads to other parts having less resolve too. That doesn't feel entirely fair as it seems like one of those two things shouldn't be true. I think that what I'm working on now (a schedule of two 'burdensome' tasks that require perseverance a day) is ideal. It seems to have worked for me in the past, but once I start to slide it tends to tumble down quickly. The key is having at least one time per day where I take stock of what 'productive' things I have done that day and making sure that I apply my force of will to accomplishing something.
We'll see if that translates to more frequent blog postings. One of the nice things about this blog is that it does serve as an excellent barometer of my force of will. Once it starts slipping I rarely post to the blog anymore.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Year 2: Thought 6: Paradox of House Fixin'
I really hate working on my house. Conversely I always feel an inordinate amount of pride any time I successfully work on my house. By work on my house I mean fix something related to the house. Recently I cleaned my gutters, diagnosed how some squirrels were getting into my attic, and have worked on cleaning out a clogged toilet.
All of those things are things I can hire someone to do. I'm not sure why I end up doing them. I hate thinking about doing those things, but when I finish them I am very proud of myself. I feel like I'm doing something that I shouldn't be able to do. That is bizarre. If I accomplish most things I don't feel like I've done something monumental. In fact it usually means I start to think the task must be easy and any idiot could accomplish it because I was able to.
But if the person who would fix my problem is a professional I feel like I've done something. The biggest example of this is probably the toilet fixing. The toilet is very thoroughly clogged. So far I've been able to (with my wife's assistance) get a large was of cloth out of it. That allowed it to drain faster than it had previously but it doesn't seem to be the main blockage. I shouldn't be so happy about that.
Figuring out how the plumbing snake worked was fun. Why? I've put off fixing this toilet for a long time because I didn't want to do it. But 5 minutes into the process I was having fun. I'm not sure if this is a bizarre idiosyncrasy or if this is universal among men.
At first looking into the attic was nerve-wracking. I had visions of crazed squirrels jumping on my face (my uncle was I kid you not attacked by a squirrel he was taunting once and that story is comedy gold) and me falling down the attic stairs and snapping my leg in half. Nothing of the sort happened of course because my attic isn't fully of combat prepared rabid squirrels. They heard me coming up (because I was banging on the walls) and hid and waited for me to leave.
Now that I know the problem (the mesh wire around an exhaust fan collapsed in and they're coming in through that area) I am confident I can fix it. I'll wait for it to stop raining and just climb up on the roof and get that mesh back in place. It will be awesome. Hopefully the squirrels will be out for the day. After that I'll see what I can do about getting the tree the squirrels are using to get on the roof out of the way. I feel like it is way too big for me to cut down myself but we'll see how long I can ride this wave of doing things I don't think I should be able to pull off.
Again, this is a small thing. I feel weird at the pride, but I can't stop feeling it. A lesson for us all. Doing something useful is addictive even if you hate working as much as I do.
All of those things are things I can hire someone to do. I'm not sure why I end up doing them. I hate thinking about doing those things, but when I finish them I am very proud of myself. I feel like I'm doing something that I shouldn't be able to do. That is bizarre. If I accomplish most things I don't feel like I've done something monumental. In fact it usually means I start to think the task must be easy and any idiot could accomplish it because I was able to.
But if the person who would fix my problem is a professional I feel like I've done something. The biggest example of this is probably the toilet fixing. The toilet is very thoroughly clogged. So far I've been able to (with my wife's assistance) get a large was of cloth out of it. That allowed it to drain faster than it had previously but it doesn't seem to be the main blockage. I shouldn't be so happy about that.
Figuring out how the plumbing snake worked was fun. Why? I've put off fixing this toilet for a long time because I didn't want to do it. But 5 minutes into the process I was having fun. I'm not sure if this is a bizarre idiosyncrasy or if this is universal among men.
At first looking into the attic was nerve-wracking. I had visions of crazed squirrels jumping on my face (my uncle was I kid you not attacked by a squirrel he was taunting once and that story is comedy gold) and me falling down the attic stairs and snapping my leg in half. Nothing of the sort happened of course because my attic isn't fully of combat prepared rabid squirrels. They heard me coming up (because I was banging on the walls) and hid and waited for me to leave.
Now that I know the problem (the mesh wire around an exhaust fan collapsed in and they're coming in through that area) I am confident I can fix it. I'll wait for it to stop raining and just climb up on the roof and get that mesh back in place. It will be awesome. Hopefully the squirrels will be out for the day. After that I'll see what I can do about getting the tree the squirrels are using to get on the roof out of the way. I feel like it is way too big for me to cut down myself but we'll see how long I can ride this wave of doing things I don't think I should be able to pull off.
Again, this is a small thing. I feel weird at the pride, but I can't stop feeling it. A lesson for us all. Doing something useful is addictive even if you hate working as much as I do.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Year 2: Thought 5: Getting in the Game
So I'm going to try to do some speculating this year. I've spent a good bit of time reading and thinking about my hobby. I thought I might as well see if I can make some money because of it. While I'm happy to play in tournaments and win prizes that isn't what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about trading. In my head I know there is no inherent value in the cards I play with. It is just ink on cardboard. But the use other people (and myself!) have for them is undeniable. There is only one real source that prints them so there is a stable second market for the cards.
I've toyed with trading in the past. I would try to make good trades but my mind was always focused on getting the cards I needed to build decks. Now I'm going to try something different. Trading for value. I just want to see how much I can grow my collection. Ideally without putting tons of cash into it.
I have set aside a small amount of my yearly budget for my hobbies and I'm going to see what I can do with it. The goal is to get enough value from this that I don't need to keep putting money into the game, but when I want to build a new deck I can trade away some of the stock I've built up into cards.
So why am I doing this? Part of the reasoning is just to cut down on the portion of my budget that gets spent on cards. The less I spend on cards the more I can spend on other things. But really when it comes to a hobby I expect to spend some money to participate in it. I play cards to relax, not to start up another job.
I like the idea of turning something small into something large. Hard work and intelligent planning are the keys. However it will ultimately end up taking up time. I could use that same time to make more money. In fact if I wanted to just be efficient I could do freelance programming and make more money (and therefore spend it on more hobbies!) than I could by grinding trades. So it comes back down to can I make money while doing something I enjoy. I don't particularly enjoy thinking about my full time job. It isn't something that has captured my imagination or my day dreams. But this game has.
I think this will be fun experiment. Hopefully I don't bust out early, but we'll see. I have a spreadsheet ready to track all my purchases and plot the changing values of my investments. I've watched a couple of other people do something similar (though with varying levels of dedication) and even seen a few challenges to see who could get the greatest value over time.
If anyone else is interested in comparing notes or trying a challenge I'd definitely be up for it. Hopefully I'll be able to learn enough from them to extrapolate about other trends or vice versa. It's interesting to be involved in something that isn't purely mechanical but depends on the decisions of other people as the driving force behind the changing values.
*Edit* 02/01/2013 I was able to attend my first event where I was really prepared for trading. I was able to increase my collection value from $450 to $550. I did shift a good bit of that value (a little over $100) into longer term investments. I expect them to double in price but it will take a little over 10 months for that to happen. Since that was roughly the 'profit' from last night I don't feel bad. I still have plenty of stuff in the binder that is worth trading. I did end up building a deck that carries about $200 of the collection in it so I want to put more thought into whether or not it is worth it. Luckily $100 of that $200 are the long term investments so it's not as big a portion of my trade stock as it looks like at first.
I'm talking about trading. In my head I know there is no inherent value in the cards I play with. It is just ink on cardboard. But the use other people (and myself!) have for them is undeniable. There is only one real source that prints them so there is a stable second market for the cards.
I've toyed with trading in the past. I would try to make good trades but my mind was always focused on getting the cards I needed to build decks. Now I'm going to try something different. Trading for value. I just want to see how much I can grow my collection. Ideally without putting tons of cash into it.
I have set aside a small amount of my yearly budget for my hobbies and I'm going to see what I can do with it. The goal is to get enough value from this that I don't need to keep putting money into the game, but when I want to build a new deck I can trade away some of the stock I've built up into cards.
So why am I doing this? Part of the reasoning is just to cut down on the portion of my budget that gets spent on cards. The less I spend on cards the more I can spend on other things. But really when it comes to a hobby I expect to spend some money to participate in it. I play cards to relax, not to start up another job.
I like the idea of turning something small into something large. Hard work and intelligent planning are the keys. However it will ultimately end up taking up time. I could use that same time to make more money. In fact if I wanted to just be efficient I could do freelance programming and make more money (and therefore spend it on more hobbies!) than I could by grinding trades. So it comes back down to can I make money while doing something I enjoy. I don't particularly enjoy thinking about my full time job. It isn't something that has captured my imagination or my day dreams. But this game has.
I think this will be fun experiment. Hopefully I don't bust out early, but we'll see. I have a spreadsheet ready to track all my purchases and plot the changing values of my investments. I've watched a couple of other people do something similar (though with varying levels of dedication) and even seen a few challenges to see who could get the greatest value over time.
If anyone else is interested in comparing notes or trying a challenge I'd definitely be up for it. Hopefully I'll be able to learn enough from them to extrapolate about other trends or vice versa. It's interesting to be involved in something that isn't purely mechanical but depends on the decisions of other people as the driving force behind the changing values.
*Edit* 02/01/2013 I was able to attend my first event where I was really prepared for trading. I was able to increase my collection value from $450 to $550. I did shift a good bit of that value (a little over $100) into longer term investments. I expect them to double in price but it will take a little over 10 months for that to happen. Since that was roughly the 'profit' from last night I don't feel bad. I still have plenty of stuff in the binder that is worth trading. I did end up building a deck that carries about $200 of the collection in it so I want to put more thought into whether or not it is worth it. Luckily $100 of that $200 are the long term investments so it's not as big a portion of my trade stock as it looks like at first.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Year 2: Thought 4: Why is it hard to admit that I am bad at stuff?
There are more things that I am bad at than things I am good at. Given the wide variety of skills a person can possess it makes sense from a mathematical point of view. There will be a few things that you can invest the time in to become truly skilled at. There will be a few things that you have a natural aptitude for. Put together you won't be good at most things.
As an intellectual truth this seems pretty inescapable. It is also easy to admit to in the abstract. But when given specific things that isn't always my reaction. Things that I have no exposure to it is easy to admit being bad at. But things that either I expect or socially I am expected to be good at it is hard to admit being bad.
I am not very good at trivia. It's weird because I would think it would be something I would be good at. I was always very good at Bible trivia as a kid. But I participate in trivia contests both at restaurants and via email. I consistently come in last place. It's harder to admit that I am bad at because a part of me equates being good at trivia with being smart. I really don't like the idea of other people being significantly smarter than me.
I am alright at programming computers. Unfortunately for me the group I work with is composed of super geniuses. I am definitely the weakest programmer in my group. In my department I would say I am around average. My group is 4 people, the department is closer to 20. That was definitely hard to admit to myself. I spent so much of my childhood knowing that the only thing I was a lot better at than most of my peers was academics. Now I'm surrounded by people who make me look like an academic light weight. Coming from a family where most of my cousins failed out of college to a community of people composed of doctors, ph.d.'s and a ton of people with masters is weird.
I am good at math. I have a lot of memories of growing up being obsessed with math. Now I wonder sometimes if I enjoy math more because I know a majority of people struggle with it. I have a natural aptitude for it, but could my draw to math be motivated by a desire to maintain preeminence in a field fewer people are interested in? I don't think so, but I can't say there isn't an appeal to the idea of being interested in something where it is easy to be an expert.
In the last few years I've really worked at admitting I'm bad at stuff. I used to refuse to believe that I was bad at anything. There were things I was good at, and things I would be good at if I just applied myself (but didn't feel like it, or have the time, or whatever). As I've spent time trying to learn new skills I've found out that no matter how hard I try there are just some things I suck at. Excelling at something (when in a large pool of talented people) is hard. It takes a lot more than a little effort and knowing a few tricks to make yourself look smarter.
The thing that really drove a lot of these things home to me was just looking at data. I play cards a lot and I started tracking my win/loss ratios. It turns out I wasn't very good at something that I did a lot and thought I should be good at. I've put in some serious time and seen an increase in skill, but I'm still not very good. While I could fairly easily beat a novice I can't just effortlessly crush people. Anyone who has also put in time will give me a real challenge. I've played with several people who consistently beat me no matter how hard I try. I can look back and see that some of that is variance, but some of it is just those people being better than me.
So, the real question is what do I do? Do I want to learn just enough to impress people? To be able to coast when playing against the unskilled? Or do I really want to apply myself? I used to be able to beat people at chess. It was because I played unskilled people and knew a few traps to play. When I went to play at a chess club I got crushed. I played my brother some when he was very seriously studying chess and got crushed some more. Then I quit playing. I was a teenager and I couldn't wrap my brain around someone else being better than me. I rationalized my defeats to protect my ego from considering that other people might be smarter or more skilled than me. I really regret that. I wish I had stuck with it and tried to improve my game.
So I think I'm going to stick this out. I might get crushed over and over but I'm going to keep my eye on improving my skills and not whether or not someone out there is better than me. It isn't a competition to see who is the smartest. And if it becomes one, then I'll just have to be okay with not being the smartest person in the room. But I will be the smartest me possible.
As an intellectual truth this seems pretty inescapable. It is also easy to admit to in the abstract. But when given specific things that isn't always my reaction. Things that I have no exposure to it is easy to admit being bad at. But things that either I expect or socially I am expected to be good at it is hard to admit being bad.
I am not very good at trivia. It's weird because I would think it would be something I would be good at. I was always very good at Bible trivia as a kid. But I participate in trivia contests both at restaurants and via email. I consistently come in last place. It's harder to admit that I am bad at because a part of me equates being good at trivia with being smart. I really don't like the idea of other people being significantly smarter than me.
I am alright at programming computers. Unfortunately for me the group I work with is composed of super geniuses. I am definitely the weakest programmer in my group. In my department I would say I am around average. My group is 4 people, the department is closer to 20. That was definitely hard to admit to myself. I spent so much of my childhood knowing that the only thing I was a lot better at than most of my peers was academics. Now I'm surrounded by people who make me look like an academic light weight. Coming from a family where most of my cousins failed out of college to a community of people composed of doctors, ph.d.'s and a ton of people with masters is weird.
I am good at math. I have a lot of memories of growing up being obsessed with math. Now I wonder sometimes if I enjoy math more because I know a majority of people struggle with it. I have a natural aptitude for it, but could my draw to math be motivated by a desire to maintain preeminence in a field fewer people are interested in? I don't think so, but I can't say there isn't an appeal to the idea of being interested in something where it is easy to be an expert.
In the last few years I've really worked at admitting I'm bad at stuff. I used to refuse to believe that I was bad at anything. There were things I was good at, and things I would be good at if I just applied myself (but didn't feel like it, or have the time, or whatever). As I've spent time trying to learn new skills I've found out that no matter how hard I try there are just some things I suck at. Excelling at something (when in a large pool of talented people) is hard. It takes a lot more than a little effort and knowing a few tricks to make yourself look smarter.
The thing that really drove a lot of these things home to me was just looking at data. I play cards a lot and I started tracking my win/loss ratios. It turns out I wasn't very good at something that I did a lot and thought I should be good at. I've put in some serious time and seen an increase in skill, but I'm still not very good. While I could fairly easily beat a novice I can't just effortlessly crush people. Anyone who has also put in time will give me a real challenge. I've played with several people who consistently beat me no matter how hard I try. I can look back and see that some of that is variance, but some of it is just those people being better than me.
So, the real question is what do I do? Do I want to learn just enough to impress people? To be able to coast when playing against the unskilled? Or do I really want to apply myself? I used to be able to beat people at chess. It was because I played unskilled people and knew a few traps to play. When I went to play at a chess club I got crushed. I played my brother some when he was very seriously studying chess and got crushed some more. Then I quit playing. I was a teenager and I couldn't wrap my brain around someone else being better than me. I rationalized my defeats to protect my ego from considering that other people might be smarter or more skilled than me. I really regret that. I wish I had stuck with it and tried to improve my game.
So I think I'm going to stick this out. I might get crushed over and over but I'm going to keep my eye on improving my skills and not whether or not someone out there is better than me. It isn't a competition to see who is the smartest. And if it becomes one, then I'll just have to be okay with not being the smartest person in the room. But I will be the smartest me possible.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Year 2: Thought 3: What are the base units of friendship?
I only have so much time. 24 hours in a day. 168 (*edit* I originally wrote 156) hours in a week. 52 weeks in a year. I end up spending quite a bit of that sleeping and a depressing amount of it driving back and forth to work. How much of my time does it take to care for a friendship?
I have known a lot of people over the course of the last 30 years. Some friendships have been short and intense. Others have been long but sporadic. I've grown apart from a majority of the friends I've had in my life. Statistically speaking I wonder how many of the friends who I am close to today I'll still be close to 5 years from now. 10? 15?
There are a lot of reasons friendships grow less intense. The biggest one is just a lack of interaction. I have very few friends that I talk to every day. It is in fact a small group of friends that I email on a daily basis. Others I see on a weekly (or sometimes twice a week) basis.
I don't think I'm necessarily closer to the people I talk to more often. But I do think there is a critical threshold where friendships are on a downward slope. Daily, weekly, and monthly communication are all significant maintenance milestones. I can maintain a friendships while only talking to the person once or twice a month. Anything less than that and the unstoppable flow of time will erode the closeness of the friendship.
Oh we'll still be friends. When we get together it'll be like old times. But as my time is taken up by more and more people who are in the here and now there is less time for me to dedicate to preserving and maintaining friendship with more distant people.
So, what is the basic unit here? What kind of regular communication needs to take place to keep a friendship alive? I think monthly is enough to sustain a friendship, but what about for it to thrive? I would think at least weekly communication.
This is a sad reality. There is a scarcity of everything. Resources, time, mental effort and energy. There is only so much to go around and it would be silly to pretend otherwise. We should try to spend what small coinage we have to the best possible effect. Does this mean maintaining a small group of friends? Is there a critical threshold past which can't accept new friends? I only have 10 friend units and I'm using 2 units per the 5 friends I have per week so sorry, I just don't have any intimacy/friendship to spare?
That seems weird. It also doesn't quite seem to match up with reality. Either I'm not at my max friendship usage or there is a growth of friendship. I only have so many evenings a week but I think I can maintain a friendship with less effort and time than I think. That could be idiosyncratic to me and the way I approach friendship.
At the end of the day I'm happy with the number of friends I have. I think I have room for at least one more though. Hopefully I'll always have room for at least one more.
I have known a lot of people over the course of the last 30 years. Some friendships have been short and intense. Others have been long but sporadic. I've grown apart from a majority of the friends I've had in my life. Statistically speaking I wonder how many of the friends who I am close to today I'll still be close to 5 years from now. 10? 15?
There are a lot of reasons friendships grow less intense. The biggest one is just a lack of interaction. I have very few friends that I talk to every day. It is in fact a small group of friends that I email on a daily basis. Others I see on a weekly (or sometimes twice a week) basis.
I don't think I'm necessarily closer to the people I talk to more often. But I do think there is a critical threshold where friendships are on a downward slope. Daily, weekly, and monthly communication are all significant maintenance milestones. I can maintain a friendships while only talking to the person once or twice a month. Anything less than that and the unstoppable flow of time will erode the closeness of the friendship.
Oh we'll still be friends. When we get together it'll be like old times. But as my time is taken up by more and more people who are in the here and now there is less time for me to dedicate to preserving and maintaining friendship with more distant people.
So, what is the basic unit here? What kind of regular communication needs to take place to keep a friendship alive? I think monthly is enough to sustain a friendship, but what about for it to thrive? I would think at least weekly communication.
This is a sad reality. There is a scarcity of everything. Resources, time, mental effort and energy. There is only so much to go around and it would be silly to pretend otherwise. We should try to spend what small coinage we have to the best possible effect. Does this mean maintaining a small group of friends? Is there a critical threshold past which can't accept new friends? I only have 10 friend units and I'm using 2 units per the 5 friends I have per week so sorry, I just don't have any intimacy/friendship to spare?
That seems weird. It also doesn't quite seem to match up with reality. Either I'm not at my max friendship usage or there is a growth of friendship. I only have so many evenings a week but I think I can maintain a friendship with less effort and time than I think. That could be idiosyncratic to me and the way I approach friendship.
At the end of the day I'm happy with the number of friends I have. I think I have room for at least one more though. Hopefully I'll always have room for at least one more.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Year 2: Thought 2: Priority Hacking
Sometimes a particular thing will seem very important. This can be awesome as you'll dedicate lots of resources to the thing. Whether it be a new skill you need to acquire or a problem that needs to be fixed, greater resource allocation is cool.
I love playing card games so it is easy for me to spend a lot of time reading up on different strategies. It doesn't take discipline to read articles online. It is a pleasure. I feel great while I'm doing it.
Why can't I have just as much pleasure in driving to work? I don't. I make myself drive to work. I don't sit at home anticipating with glee my drive in to work.
Now sometimes you can hack your priorities. Recently I was able to convince my wife that since I was going to endure misery to save us some money (by driving us for 16 hours instead of paying for plane tickets) that I should get a little bit of that money. She agreed and my priorities shifted. Rather than complaining endlessly about having to drive (which I hate) I quietly got in the car and got to work.
The trick was associating the pleasure of getting $ (which could be spent on frivolities) with the work. It's a direct correlation to try and make the work a little less worse. This is the main driving force behind me going to work. I do something I don't want to do (write financial software) so that I can do stuff I do want to do (eat, sleep in a bed, buy board games, etc...).
But wouldn't it be nice if we could just decide to set priorities in our head the way we set CPU priorities for different processes? Being in shape is important to me and I know in my head that in the long run being healthy will pay off. But I can't just shut off my desire to do something fun or make carrots magically taste like cake. There are external constraints my brain and body put on me.
Some of these are probably adaptive. Sweets (highly dense in energy) should produce a pleasure reward so that you seek them out. They are great food sources for anyone who is worried about survival. Sex better be pleasant or you'll have people weighing the cost of raising children with maintaining a fun going life style and have a dropping population rate.
At the end of the day though the reason I'm glad we can't do this is the creative impulse. It isn't efficient. It isn't always useful. But it is beautiful. It would be too easy in a world where we can hack our brains to make doing the optimal thing easy for us to lose sight of beauty. We've come up with a lot of beautiful and crazy stuff in our pursuit of being happy. The world would end up being a cold sterile place if we only make the smart efficient choices.
I love playing card games so it is easy for me to spend a lot of time reading up on different strategies. It doesn't take discipline to read articles online. It is a pleasure. I feel great while I'm doing it.
Why can't I have just as much pleasure in driving to work? I don't. I make myself drive to work. I don't sit at home anticipating with glee my drive in to work.
Now sometimes you can hack your priorities. Recently I was able to convince my wife that since I was going to endure misery to save us some money (by driving us for 16 hours instead of paying for plane tickets) that I should get a little bit of that money. She agreed and my priorities shifted. Rather than complaining endlessly about having to drive (which I hate) I quietly got in the car and got to work.
The trick was associating the pleasure of getting $ (which could be spent on frivolities) with the work. It's a direct correlation to try and make the work a little less worse. This is the main driving force behind me going to work. I do something I don't want to do (write financial software) so that I can do stuff I do want to do (eat, sleep in a bed, buy board games, etc...).
But wouldn't it be nice if we could just decide to set priorities in our head the way we set CPU priorities for different processes? Being in shape is important to me and I know in my head that in the long run being healthy will pay off. But I can't just shut off my desire to do something fun or make carrots magically taste like cake. There are external constraints my brain and body put on me.
Some of these are probably adaptive. Sweets (highly dense in energy) should produce a pleasure reward so that you seek them out. They are great food sources for anyone who is worried about survival. Sex better be pleasant or you'll have people weighing the cost of raising children with maintaining a fun going life style and have a dropping population rate.
At the end of the day though the reason I'm glad we can't do this is the creative impulse. It isn't efficient. It isn't always useful. But it is beautiful. It would be too easy in a world where we can hack our brains to make doing the optimal thing easy for us to lose sight of beauty. We've come up with a lot of beautiful and crazy stuff in our pursuit of being happy. The world would end up being a cold sterile place if we only make the smart efficient choices.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Year 2: Thought 1 - Why Write?
People have all kind of weird impulses. Some are constructive, some are self destructive, and some are just plain entertaining. But what drives me to write?
I think there are couple of layers here. Let's take a look at each one and see if we can make any sense out of it.
Part of the drive is a need to accomplish something. Consumption largely leaves me feeling empty. While I enjoy reading a good book or watching a good movie if I spend too much of my time enjoying other people's creations and not making anything myself I start to feel unbalanced. Even if it is not something significant to anyone else the act of creation lets me feel a sense of accomplishment. Even if the thing created is not really worth of a sense of accomplishment.
Part of the drive is a desire to share and interact. While I enjoy a well written post or a elegant and profound thought sharing it with other people makes it better. I think this is composed of a need to perform and a need to receive validation from others. If other people think my thoughts are interesting then I'm not wasting my time thinking them. If some people find it interesting and others boring it is easy to separate them into groups of people who get it and people who don't get it. There is also definitely a thrill when my thoughts open someone else up to a different perspective or help them reconcile conflicting thoughts in their head.
I think the dominant part is the need to create. I rarely get a sense of creation accomplishment from my job. While the last year and a half has allowed me to create something pretty intense I don't derive a huge sense of satisfaction from it. The things I make are not stand alone. They exist inside a system that I have a very small impact on. I can occasionally point to a screen and say "That is mine" or an intense algorithm and say "That is mine". But ultimately my work will be rewritten and overwritten by others. A large portion of my time will be spent fixing bugs other people (and of course my own) introduced to the system.
I'm better at fixing bugs than creating. Writing up portions of a system from scratch is not my strong suit. Historically I haven't found it very interesting or engaging work. I doubt that will change as long as I am working on financial software. Most of the problems just aren't that interesting to solve.
So what is a person to do? Human beings (at least me) have an innate desire to create something. We want to see our impact on the world. I think we see this in our desire to have children and to raise them. We want to send something out into the world that we have had a hand in.
My strongest creative desires is in games. I love games. I want to create games not to make money but to payback the people who made games when I was a kid. I think back to the passion I had for a lot of games I played as a kid and I want to pass that on to the next generation.
Games that are fun. Games that are complicated. Games that are sometimes a wonderful vehicle to tell a stirring story.
Another creative desire I have (not quite as strong as my desire to make games) is for writing. I have always been a voracious reader. As I aged I have been able to see more and more of the soul writers have poured into the books I have loved. Again, I want to be able to do for others (specifically I'm thinking of nerdy young guys) what has been done for me. I want to give the joy and passion a good story brings to my fellow men and women.
I hope to get a significant portion of work done on a novel this year. I'd like to move from thinking about this idea for a great story and give it life. But I also want to write in a freer form and that is what this blog is about. When I see (or think) of something beautiful I want to create a record of it for history and to share it with others. Come on people let's all share something beautiful.
I think there are couple of layers here. Let's take a look at each one and see if we can make any sense out of it.
Part of the drive is a need to accomplish something. Consumption largely leaves me feeling empty. While I enjoy reading a good book or watching a good movie if I spend too much of my time enjoying other people's creations and not making anything myself I start to feel unbalanced. Even if it is not something significant to anyone else the act of creation lets me feel a sense of accomplishment. Even if the thing created is not really worth of a sense of accomplishment.
Part of the drive is a desire to share and interact. While I enjoy a well written post or a elegant and profound thought sharing it with other people makes it better. I think this is composed of a need to perform and a need to receive validation from others. If other people think my thoughts are interesting then I'm not wasting my time thinking them. If some people find it interesting and others boring it is easy to separate them into groups of people who get it and people who don't get it. There is also definitely a thrill when my thoughts open someone else up to a different perspective or help them reconcile conflicting thoughts in their head.
I think the dominant part is the need to create. I rarely get a sense of creation accomplishment from my job. While the last year and a half has allowed me to create something pretty intense I don't derive a huge sense of satisfaction from it. The things I make are not stand alone. They exist inside a system that I have a very small impact on. I can occasionally point to a screen and say "That is mine" or an intense algorithm and say "That is mine". But ultimately my work will be rewritten and overwritten by others. A large portion of my time will be spent fixing bugs other people (and of course my own) introduced to the system.
I'm better at fixing bugs than creating. Writing up portions of a system from scratch is not my strong suit. Historically I haven't found it very interesting or engaging work. I doubt that will change as long as I am working on financial software. Most of the problems just aren't that interesting to solve.
So what is a person to do? Human beings (at least me) have an innate desire to create something. We want to see our impact on the world. I think we see this in our desire to have children and to raise them. We want to send something out into the world that we have had a hand in.
My strongest creative desires is in games. I love games. I want to create games not to make money but to payback the people who made games when I was a kid. I think back to the passion I had for a lot of games I played as a kid and I want to pass that on to the next generation.
Games that are fun. Games that are complicated. Games that are sometimes a wonderful vehicle to tell a stirring story.
Another creative desire I have (not quite as strong as my desire to make games) is for writing. I have always been a voracious reader. As I aged I have been able to see more and more of the soul writers have poured into the books I have loved. Again, I want to be able to do for others (specifically I'm thinking of nerdy young guys) what has been done for me. I want to give the joy and passion a good story brings to my fellow men and women.
I hope to get a significant portion of work done on a novel this year. I'd like to move from thinking about this idea for a great story and give it life. But I also want to write in a freer form and that is what this blog is about. When I see (or think) of something beautiful I want to create a record of it for history and to share it with others. Come on people let's all share something beautiful.
Year 2: Let's try this again
Ok, we're going to try again this year. 2013. I can do it this time. Definitely going more free form this year. Not going to feel like I have to post about something more abstract.
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