There are more things that I am bad at than things I am good at. Given the wide variety of skills a person can possess it makes sense from a mathematical point of view. There will be a few things that you can invest the time in to become truly skilled at. There will be a few things that you have a natural aptitude for. Put together you won't be good at most things.
As an intellectual truth this seems pretty inescapable. It is also easy to admit to in the abstract. But when given specific things that isn't always my reaction. Things that I have no exposure to it is easy to admit being bad at. But things that either I expect or socially I am expected to be good at it is hard to admit being bad.
I am not very good at trivia. It's weird because I would think it would be something I would be good at. I was always very good at Bible trivia as a kid. But I participate in trivia contests both at restaurants and via email. I consistently come in last place. It's harder to admit that I am bad at because a part of me equates being good at trivia with being smart. I really don't like the idea of other people being significantly smarter than me.
I am alright at programming computers. Unfortunately for me the group I work with is composed of super geniuses. I am definitely the weakest programmer in my group. In my department I would say I am around average. My group is 4 people, the department is closer to 20. That was definitely hard to admit to myself. I spent so much of my childhood knowing that the only thing I was a lot better at than most of my peers was academics. Now I'm surrounded by people who make me look like an academic light weight. Coming from a family where most of my cousins failed out of college to a community of people composed of doctors, ph.d.'s and a ton of people with masters is weird.
I am good at math. I have a lot of memories of growing up being obsessed with math. Now I wonder sometimes if I enjoy math more because I know a majority of people struggle with it. I have a natural aptitude for it, but could my draw to math be motivated by a desire to maintain preeminence in a field fewer people are interested in? I don't think so, but I can't say there isn't an appeal to the idea of being interested in something where it is easy to be an expert.
In the last few years I've really worked at admitting I'm bad at stuff. I used to refuse to believe that I was bad at anything. There were things I was good at, and things I would be good at if I just applied myself (but didn't feel like it, or have the time, or whatever). As I've spent time trying to learn new skills I've found out that no matter how hard I try there are just some things I suck at. Excelling at something (when in a large pool of talented people) is hard. It takes a lot more than a little effort and knowing a few tricks to make yourself look smarter.
The thing that really drove a lot of these things home to me was just looking at data. I play cards a lot and I started tracking my win/loss ratios. It turns out I wasn't very good at something that I did a lot and thought I should be good at. I've put in some serious time and seen an increase in skill, but I'm still not very good. While I could fairly easily beat a novice I can't just effortlessly crush people. Anyone who has also put in time will give me a real challenge. I've played with several people who consistently beat me no matter how hard I try. I can look back and see that some of that is variance, but some of it is just those people being better than me.
So, the real question is what do I do? Do I want to learn just enough to impress people? To be able to coast when playing against the unskilled? Or do I really want to apply myself? I used to be able to beat people at chess. It was because I played unskilled people and knew a few traps to play. When I went to play at a chess club I got crushed. I played my brother some when he was very seriously studying chess and got crushed some more. Then I quit playing. I was a teenager and I couldn't wrap my brain around someone else being better than me. I rationalized my defeats to protect my ego from considering that other people might be smarter or more skilled than me. I really regret that. I wish I had stuck with it and tried to improve my game.
So I think I'm going to stick this out. I might get crushed over and over but I'm going to keep my eye on improving my skills and not whether or not someone out there is better than me. It isn't a competition to see who is the smartest. And if it becomes one, then I'll just have to be okay with not being the smartest person in the room. But I will be the smartest me possible.
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